Friday, July 04, 2014

On being an 'Old Maid' or My Bridget Jones moments

Today has been a day when it has sucked to be single. It's days like this when I want to swear off romantic films, web-series and books for a few months and just play Red Dead or AC.

Anyone who knows me is aware that 80% of the time my lack of coupledom  doesn't bother me. I like being able to do my crazy hours and then come home and do whatever I want - play Assassins Creed for 3 hours, clean the house, bake all manner of things, whatever. I like going on holiday by myself and planning what I want to do - and changing it if I feel like it. I like being able to help my friends and family out by spending the day looking after the kids or helping them work on a project without having to consult anyone.

But today it bothers me.

If anyone who read my last post followed the like to 'The New Adventures of Peter & Wendy' you would have found a fantastic web series which I am unashamedly hooked on.

There are many reasons for this - the romance element being a biggy - but also because the main female protagonist is closer to 30 than 20.

"I forgot that being a woman, 27, and single, basically equates to being dead. I will start digging my own grave as soon as I finish making the lovely dress of cat hair and.. tears"

"I'm old Peter...for a girl, I'm old. I'm supposed to have it all together by now, I'm supposed to have a husband, and career, and kids"


I hear ya, Wendy, I hear ya.

These 2 lines have been making me think a lot over the last couple of weeks.

I am 33

Single

Christian.

Now if you think that being 33 and single for a non-Christian is tough you have no idea of the added, not sure how to describe it really....complications? guilt? occasional despair? that trying to live your life God can throw into the mix. Because being a single, Christian woman over the age of 25 you occasionally very much feel like you've had your chance and blown it.

When you get past 30 it becomes particularly irritating (if not upsetting) when people say -'you're still young'. I'm not 22, I'm actually not that young if you think about it, and that comment doesn't help. It's almost as bad as 'I know there's someone out there for you'. A lovely sentiment but you don't, and I'm old enough to know better.

Somehow the day you turn 30 you seem to illicit pity when asked the dreaded question 'Are you married?' What the heck was different between yesterday when I was 29 and today when I'm 24 hours older? I am not looking forward to the day, should it be the case, that my niece or nephew asks me WHY I'm not married.

'Cos I gotta tell ya, I'm not sure what I'll say.

I work with men a lot (it's technical theatre - seriously, they're everywhere!) and I have become very adept at putting up a 'work/friend' barrier, but it's not like there's a lack of men around - except at the churches I appear to frequent. And the pickings get even slimmer once you get past 25.

I spent 3 years working on cruise ships - if you know what that's like the you will understand why I refrained from any kind of anything then. Even when I was constantly having my sexuality questioned because I didn't flirt or appear to have any interest in men.

Let me tell you, there have been guys I've liked, it's just, unfortunately for me they didn't feel the same way. I am always aware of this even if I manage to convince myself other-wise. I genuinely managed to do this for 3 years once - I was a twit. So, again, the whole 'work/friend' skill comes in very handy.

People seemed to be concerned after my younger sister's got married, 5 years ago, that I would just marry anyone - the next guy who said 'Hello' to me presumably. It bothered me that they would think I was this shaky in my own convictions. I made a decision years ago that I will never put my life on hold waiting for 'the right-man' to show up. That to me seems as ridiculous as not going to the cinema to see a film because no-one will go with you. That doesn't mean you wouldn't love someone to go with you, but you want that experience and to find out that story. It's better to have gone than to have sat at home wishing you were there.

Sometimes I do wonder if I'm even capable of having a relationship, maybe it's not in the plan for me. Maybe that's why He made me so independent.

And if it isn't in the plan I would honestly like to know. Then I can stop hoping, have a cry, and move on. It's the hoping and wondering that can make your heart ache.

If I'm honest there are 2 main reasons this is getting me down tonight and one of the is incredibly not romantic but still justifiable.

1)As I was discussing with my good friend and fellow Blogger 'A Girl Called Sophie' this world is not financially designed for single people. Most of my stress and anxiety is to do with money, and it sucks because if I was married we'd actually be doing pretty well!

    Once you get passed a certain age and your siblings/friends have partners and children, it is no longer viable to have a small 1-bedroom flat if you ever want to see them for more than an afternoon and you live over an hour away. Why is it not possible to find a decent sized 1 bedroom HOUSE for a reasonable rate?You have also gained a fair amount of stuff . Especially if like me you've been living in unfurnished places because Bath was expensive enough without renting the furniture too and you no longer have a family home with a loft your stuff can live in. So you have to make a decision about what you're willing to sacrifice. Explain to me why I have to only pay 20% less council tax than if there was 2 people living here? Why do I have to pay 2 different water companies (1 in, 1 out - Rutland in odd) the same amount as if there was a family living here. Why do people require a month and half's rent on top of a deposit. Why are British Gas & BT so flippin' inept! (sorry.....calming down now)

2)I haven't had time off in while, I find it difficult to ring anyone 'just for a chat', I've had to go back to work twice tonight because I forgot stuff I need, I'm stressed about nothing in particular and really need a hug and someone to make me a cup of tea and play a game with me/watch something on TV. Basically I could just have done with someone on my side who was in when I got home who could cheer me up and then I could have reciprocated. Now, I appreciate that house-mate could probably also solve most of these problems - but you try finding someone who needs a room in the middle of Rutland from Monday - Friday.

But to end on a more positive note - I know this feeling will pass, the black dog will bugger off if I can hang on long enough, I'm attempting some internet dating and if I look at Wendy's list again I'm actually not doing too badly.

I have a Career - it may seem a little all over but I love what I do, it's about so much more than theatre.

Husband - I don't have. But I do have 2 wonderful Brothers-in-Law who I know are looking out for me (and have put themselves in charge of vetting any future prospects, walking me down the aisle and giving the Father-of-the-Bride speech!)

Kids - No, but my nieces and nephews are the world to me and I hope I can be everything they need a cool Aunty to be to them - including kicking their butts a little if needed!

I like to see life as an adventure. Sometimes nothing happens, and sometimes the tide's coming in, it's raining and your stuck on an island in the dark. But that just makes the sunshine coming up on another 'ordinary day' seem even more of a blessing.

And on that highly sappy note I shall leave this mini-rant and adjourn to my bed.

:)



Saturday, June 21, 2014

Baby steps....shhh..don't scare me...

Blimey, 2 posts in 3 months - what in the world of crazy!!!

Been a stressful time at work recently (as in I was having heart palpitations - that stressful, not just a run of the mill stressful!) but I have managed to keep my garden up and growing (apparently I'm some sort of master at growing potatoes, I'll show you a photo sometime) seen my family quite a bit, get into a lot of of new YouTube stuff and generally had a tidy up, sort through and clear out after the move.

In some sort of record breaking event I have actually unpacked all of my boxes and got everything where it needs to be within 3 months of moving into the cottage. 3 MONTHS. By the end in Bath I wouldn't even bother unpacking all the boxes. Hopefully this doesn't mean that the usual happening of unpacking the last box = needing to move within 2 months will again occur.

YT Discovery of the week:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CE5OtGY4B5I

After the fangirl-ing of Lizzie Bennet Diaries, which I watched from the 4th episode as it aired - heck yeah!, I have been keenly watching all of Pemberley Digital's output. Although I did like 'Welcome to Sanditon' and am enjoying 'Emma Approved' they've not quite clutched my inner 'squee'. This series most definitely has! I love the fact that John, Michael and Wendy all actually look related (it really bugs me that casting is rarely that picky), I feel Wendy's 'I'm old' thing, Tink manages to be very unnerving without actually speaking, the fact that there's a fairy is just normal and ....well....Peter & Wendy are just too darn adoreable :)

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

I really need to get better at this!

OK,

so no promises at this again but today I am making my first foray into making a YouTube video and thought I should probably check in here again!

Updates:


  • I have a new Job - I now work in Rutland as a Theatre, Technical & Venue Manager. Yes, that is officially the longest job title I have ever had - certainly beats DJBex, although maybe not as cool on a name badge!
  • I now clearly live in a different part of the world, currently in a very lovely 2 bedroom cottage.
  • I am now an Aunty to 3 and Step-Aunty to 1. (Matthew, Beth, Jemima and Maisy)
  • The Mofster is off the road but hopeful of a new engine and some TLC over the summer
  • Was in a few productions before I left Bath. Loved them all and miss everyone
  • Have managed to find a church here - not bad as it took me 2 years to even venture out looking in Bath.
  • I won a Kindle Fire on a facebook 'like' competition - no, really - it does happen!
Think that's about it.

Work is still as crazy as ever but loving the challenges so far. For the first time in my life I have the whole '28 days holiday a year' thing. Very odd but kind of good for my discipline in not doing any work (even design) during that time.

My garden here is currently under way, the obligatory photos and videos to follow.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The things you learn...

My Cotswold Way attempt went belly-up after 3 days - my knee decided to cause me excruciating pain and, with much hanging-of-head I had to call my Mum to come and pick me up. My knee is still not better a week later so I do feel vindicated that I wasn't just being a wuss!

I saw some AMAZING views that were well worth the fact that the walk sends you over every hill within sight - seriously - you can look back and see them all, and, though I didn't meet many people, there were same great folks out there. The first was a family on the first afternoon with whom I chatted for a bit, found out some things we had in common, and then, as I was about to head off, said "commune with your God" and "I'm sure he's looking down on you". Now, I'd already decided that this was going to be a major factor of this trek, and I hadn't mentioned any of this, or my faith, to these folks, so it was nice (if not just a little freaky!) to have it confirmed :)

Then spent a lovely few days chilling out in Cov with the sister, B-I-L and niece. Rock Band - Warriors was played (with me on guitar and not drums - there's a reason I always drum, I shall stick to it in future!) Carcassone was enjoyed and we also watched 'The Marigold Hotel' which I loved. But then, with that cast, who couldn't :)

Today I've managed to clear out 4 AVON boxes worth of stuff from my past. This has been stuff that would ordinarily be found in your family loft/garage, but as I no longer have that, it travels around with me. Today I decided enough was enough and it needed slimming down.

So I've been going through stuff from the ages of 4 - 11 and a few other bits and generally being amazed at how evocative the slightest thing could be (the wallpaper covering my initial writing books for example) and how much I had forgotten that seemed so important at the time. I loved the texture of the paper and the purple print of all the worksheets when I was a kid, I could actually recall filling some of them in. I was impressed with my poetry writing back then - boy I was intense! And fond memories of the pictures in the maths books - which I apparently cared more about colouring in than solving the problem. I'm terrified at the amount of stuff from Secondary school that I've forgotten and yet, apparently, enjoyed immensely.

It was good to go through it and remind myself about what made me tick at those ages and which teaching methods worked best for me - although and student would tell you that cut-and-stick is always a winner, my GCSE Chemistry class particularly! I've kept a couple of writing books from when I was little - the honesty make me smile. Apparently I was very annoyed one weekend because feeding the ducks was cut short due to my sister needing the loo. I didn't write that I was angry - but you could tell!

My favourite thing I discovered was a painting that I must have done with my paternal Grandfather. He was an artist but died when I was 6. I remember him clearly, mostly that he taught me how to draw different sorts of trees. I found the painting that I did with him - and you can see his pencil marks under my painting effort :)

Monday, August 06, 2012

Cotswold Way planning

So after the challenge of last week (typing out the script for the school production - and not procrastinating too much!) I am planning my challenge of next week - walking the Cotsold way. I've already bought my shiny new, 1.5kg only, 1-man-tent, and am now indulging in finding out al the fun things to do along the walk.

So far I've found a cool treasure hunt story, I'm planning to place some geo-caches, I'm about to download my start-end finishers card so I get a certificate etc and I've worked out how long each leg will take me with the aid of this fab trail guide.

Next up is finding campsites, working out best food aquisition stops and some treats (pub meal, cream tea!) along the way.

Very much looking forward to the views, the alone/spending time with God space, the people I'll meet along the way, and the opportunity to be out in the fresh air for a week - fab!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Summer Holidays

Hurrah for summer holidays! We broke up last Thursday which, according to my friend who works in the pwer industry, makes us the 1% of school's in the UK who did. I spent Friday & Saturday in there finishing off the set for 'Company' at The Wroughton Theatre next week.

I am determined to let myself lie-in as much as possible so Monday I awoke at very leisurely midday - fabulous! I then proceeded to make 4 To-Do lists and so has begun a, hopefully, productive summer break.

Yesterday proved to be interesting as I had a trip to the Dr's. I've been having blood tests at various points this year, and have been on iron tablets for low-iron stocks (not anemia - which is different, I didn't know that either!) but they were also trying to find out about my weird Thyroid readings. Thryroid issues run in my family so I know the effect they can have.

Turns out I have Graves' Disease. It's an auto-immune disease which means that my immune system is producing anti-bodies which (in my case) are supressing my thyroid and will eventually (in apparently 3-6 months) stop my thyroid from functioning. Normally Graves' has the opposite effect so, as usual, my body can never do anything ordinarily.....so I have to keep an eye out for symptomns go back for regular blood-tests and when it finally packs up I shall be on Thyroxin for the rest of my life. Oh joy!

I feel like I should have asked more questions whilst I was there but the doctor was great and pointed out that it's fairly common and hopefully the thyroid thing will be the only symptom I get of the disease. I have, of course, Googled it, but most stuff is about when it sends you thyroid Hyper (over) not Hypo (under).

Anyhoo, I've decided that there's not a lot I can do about it really so I'll just plough on. My housemate has been suggesting diet stuff which I'm looking into, the doctor said that cabbage is about the only thing that contains the stuff I need naturally so I have dutifully bought one - this should make for some interesting meals!

In other news I'm going to pick up the new engine for Moffy in a couple of weeks. A family friend from the Morris Minor owners club has offerred me one for an incredibly reasonable price , it would be rude not to. I'm planning on walking the whole of the Costwold Way (103miles) and have bought a new, light, 1-man tent should take me about a week with some wild-ish camping. I also plan to spend a lot of time with my nephew & nieces as I haven't seen them for 6 weeks and they've grown A-LOT!

Now if the sun that finally appeared this morning would just hang around for a few weeks that would be fab :)

Sunday, April 08, 2012

Gardening at Easter

I was aware that this Easter Sunday was going to be spent in Bath as I couldn't figure out if I was need for a get-in today or not. As it turned out - I'm not! So I decided to get the garden at the place I'm living now in order - it's just so lovely having a garden - even if most of it is gravel and paving slabs.

There are 2 raised beds containd by railway sleepers and me and Tate (Housemate) to some extent, have big plans for them. I spent today weeding, getting rid of anything I didn't want, trying to identify the large, red palm-y type thing taking up 1/3 of one of the beds (and then trying to figure out if it's dead...), moving some bulb type plants, re-organising the shed so I can use it as a sort-of-greenhouse (it has a window!) and then planting some new stuff.

Feeling quite chuffed with myself at all I've managed to get done - although only the next few days will tell if the stuff I've moved enjoyed the trip or not. Also want to get hold of some herbs to plant and possibly some beans/soft fruit too.

Not been to focused on the God stuff recently and weirdly doing all this today has really helped with some thinking and focusing :)





I am now going to cook a sort-of-roast for me & Paul (Housemate). Chicken Provencal with Yorkshire puddings, veg and gravy - followed by some Rhubarb crumble. Nom nom!

Aunty x 3

After the excitement of Matty's entrance into the world 1 month early in January and then my step niece Maisy being a week-and-a-half late giving her Mum a 32 hour labour which finally ended with a C-section, one would have hoped that Baby Wilson's (Banana to her friends - well, me) arrival would have been slightly less dramatic.

However she had other ideas...

After the first night of B&I we had retired to James' house for drinks and I was heading home at 1am (some of us had to be in work at 8:20!) my phone rang and it was John, who began the conversation "Hi Bex, how did the show go?" My reaction was fairly typical of anyone being rung at 1am regardless of if it was the 1st night of a show or not!

Banana had decided to be born 2 months early. Jo had had pre-eclampsia for a couple of days and then gone into labour that evening - they had decided not to ring me then and to call me after. I was very touched by this and also relieved, given the subject matter of the majority of the play!

A week and a half on and Banana has only her feeding tube still (although did insist on pulling it out several times and holding aloft in a victorious manner) screams louder than any baby on the intensive OR special care units where she has been and generally shown early signs of world domination - fabulous! :) Jo has had BP trouble but it seems to have been sorted now. They've spent a couple of nights in separate hospitals and been shifted from Cov to B'ham and back again.

I won't get to see her for a few weeks yet - but hopefully soon!

I got to see Matty yesterday when I helped J&V move house from one part of Hertfordshire to another and he is in fine form also, starting to get some proper chubby cheeks now :) Also - he smiles!!!


Blood & Ice - Final Thoughts

Well, the show finished a week ago yesterday - and I can safely say it was one of the best experiences of my life! So far outside my comfort zone and yet being made to feel so safe and professional by the cast, director and crew and, pulling off what I feel to be the best performance I could, made it a wonderful thing to be a part of. I still can't quite believe I was a part of it - or that the emotion and focus flowing through the character was actually me onstage - many fleeting out of body experiences occurred - and not all because of the tightness of the corset I was wearing.
The responses from the people who came to watch was very gratifying and again - quite surreal to have people I have never met coming up to me and enthusing about the play and out performances. But also what was interesting was the other conversations that were started about Mary, Byron, Shelley, their beliefs and society at that time.
I feel I know Mary quite well now, reading her diaries was certainly an eye opener and at times a little too close to home, especially when's she speaks of the emotions she is feeling and yet feels that, logically, she should be able to surpass these. Above all she was a highly intelligent woman who's first commitment was to her children.
Here are some photos for your perusal!




Monday, March 12, 2012

Blood & Ice and stuff

Just had the most amazing rehearsal for Blood & Ice.

We did Act 2 which is fairly full on emotionally and switches backwards and forwards more and more frequently. I feel like I'm getting more of a grasp on it now and am starting to feel less like some imposter who's somehow ended up onstage by accident!

This entire process has been a little daunting for me, for a few reasons - not least because I've never had the main part in anything before, and I've certainly never had to do anything this emotional or focussed before. I'm loving it! The director and the rest of the cast have made me feel really comfortable and before every rehearsal I sit myself down (or at least internally monolgue on the walk there!) and tell myself to give it everything I can as I may never get this opportunity again. Every rehearsal it's getting a little easier and I'm understanding the character more and more, even the kissing and seeing the naked Shelley (first time tonight!) haven't really phased me so hopefully when I walk out onstage and can see the audience (bound to happen in the Rondo) it won't throw me either........

Also last noght I became a step-Aunty! The amazing Jodie was in labour for around 36hours and then finally gave birth via c-section to the lovely Maisy Kimberley Bower. 9.5lb. Which makes her 2lb heavier than Matthew is now - who is now 2 months old!

On other news I was diagnosed with various maladies in February (what's new!) one upshot of which is that I'm now on iron tablets - have had no side-effects (yet!) but I am definitely feeling more like myself. I have the energy to get out of bed, and I no longer constantly feel like everythings a struggle, which means my feelings about work have improved drastically - just as well given the workload at the moment - which in turn means I feel like I am actually doing a good job at training the students and keeping on top of everything. I am so glad my Dr was willing to do the blood tests and not just put it down to stress - even if it does look like my thyroid maybe on it's way out!

Came to back to the old blog as I miss it - but also am trying to improve my Bible reading and am starting to Journal (why it's taken me 31 years is a bit of a mystery, but better late then never!) so I'm hoping starting this back-up may help some sort of routine.....we'll see, we'll see......